Another benefit of having a girlfriend is she tells me all the dumb shit I say while I’m sleeping. Apparently I said something like vroom vroom and she thought I was making a BRRRRR noise like i was cold, so she asked if she should turn the fan down. My response was no I’ll just get back in the car. I wonder what sort of shit I was up to in my sleep…

It seems I forgot I even had this silly domain name and a page attached to it to tell tales to the world of my extraordinarily average life. I got to thinking about this page after I got bored enough at work to try to figure out the password to an old screen name I hadn’t touched in years. It got me thinking about what else I may have neglected in my online world(like this blog).

In the last year I moved out of my duplex into a shitty house that didn’t work out for a few months, and into another house that should work out great. New roomie has a dog too so hopefully they can take out some energy on each other and Pretty won’t be so hyper all the time. I have gotten another job, also night shift mind you, and still play games and slack off all night for the most part. I’ve grown 2 mustaches, the most recent is better than the first attempt. I started working out some, and neglected that here and there of course but hey I’m a work in progress. Since the last post where I mentioned I got a dog I have trained said dog to do many things, and she has trained me to do many things as well it seems. I was a groomsman at a wedding which was cool. I know I’m leaving a ton of shit out, but this should suffice for now.

Will I remember about this thing tomorrow, or next week even? Only time will tell… (my money is on no)

I got me a new pooch recently. By pooch I’m not talking about a porch over my belt buckle (beer belly) but really a dog. I don’t know what the hell she is, maybe a catahoula or some shit. She looks like a cross between a greyhound and a lab, with brindle coloring. She’s got a white sock and spot on her chest though. Her name is Pretty, and she kind of reminds me of a hyena from some angles. I got her a pink bandana with skulls on it yesterday, and she likes trying to eat the fucker off. I put peanut butter on my balls, and she licks it off. Nah just kidding, she doesn’t even need peanut butter, she loves my balls that much.

Oh yeah, moved into a duplex since the last post also. Fuck internet journals I say. I’m only writing this one because my silly friend lost her keys somewhere in my house and we are getting kind of bored. She already did my hair up all dorky style, and I’m all tired out so no physical activities are in order.

seems like lately if i nap at work i have these nightmares, but its early morning by this time. when i sleep at home i don’t even remember my dreams.

just now i had a dream that i was some kinda zombie in a weird state and couldn’t come out of it.  like i could see my body being in the exact same place i was right now but i was undead or something. then my boss comes in and stares at me like i need to come back from break. then all of a sudden an eagle flies over my cubicle and it scares me, just like those nutty bastards in beast master. so i keep trying to force myself to wake up, but my shits all numb and wont move. i start grunting all zombie style staring at this bird and finally was able to wake up some how, just in time to clock back in from lunch.

analyze that!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mercy_Brown_vampire_incident

“

The Mercy Brown vampire incident, which occurred in 1892, is one of the best documented cases of the exhumation of a corpse in order to perform rituals to banish an undead manifestation.

In Exeter, Rhode Island, the Brown family suffered a sequence of tuberculosis infections in the final two decades of the 19th century. Tuberculosis was called “consumption” at the time, and was a devastating and much-feared disease.

The mother, Mary, was the first to die of the disease, followed in 1888 by her eldest daughter, Mary Olive.

In 1891, another daughter, Mercy, contracted the disease and died in January of 1892. Two months later her brother, Edwin, also became sick.

The father, George, believed that one of his dead family members was returning from the grave as a vampire and causing his son’s illness. This was in accordance with threads of contemporary folklore linking multiple deaths in one family to undead activity. Consumption was a poorly understood condition at the time, and the subject of much urban mythology.

George Brown persuaded several villagers to help him exhume the bodies. While the bodies of both Mary and Mary Olive had undergone significant decomposition over the intervening 4 years, the more recently buried body of Mercy was still relatively intact. This was taken as a sign that the child was undead, and the agent of young Edwin’s condition. The cold New England weather made the soil virtually impenetrable, essentially guaranteeing that Mercy’s body was kept in tomb-like conditions during the 2 months following her death. Therefore, the lack of decomposition was not surprising.

Mercy’s heart was removed from her body, burnt, and the remnants mixed with water and given to the sick Edwin to drink. Unfortunately, despite all his efforts, George was unsuccessful in protecting his son, who died two months later.”

Nothing new here, still working overnight getting paid to play video games while I wait for shit to do. One of my favorite gigs so far.

as my eyes drunkenly opened i realized i was on the couch, clothes on, and exactly as i left for the bar last night so i was ok on many points.

1: i didnt get naked

2: i didnt vomit all over myself

3: i didnt fuck some fat bitch

4: i had made it home in one piece

as i was brushing my teeth i realized i had some crusty shit in my beard. not good. there is no worse feeling than when you wake up with crusty chunks in your beard not knowing where they came from. i freaked out and hopped in the shower immediately. maybe i should have tasted it before showering, but that comes later. after showering and calming down about chunks on my face i did a little detective work. checked the couch, no vomit. living room, no vomit.the toilets, no vomit. the kitchen, again no vomit. the kitchen is when i realized what happened though. i found a glorious bag from whataburger that still smelled like those delicious honey butter chicken biscuits they have. i can only hope the shit on my face was that glazey goodness. so i went to whataburger and got another one because smelling the bag made me crave another.

the end

i was at some dipshit rockabilly bar and there was only one pool table. nobody was at it so i put in my 75 cents and went for it with my buddy. some goober came out of nowhere and said he won last game so i had to beat him if i wanted to have it open for me and my friend. i whooped this social deeick sucking cocksuckers ass so bad he tried to fight me. i asked him which hole he wanted the 8 in and he did not respond. i chose a respectably tough 80 degree cross table cut shot and sunk it for the win. i shook his hand for the good game and he grabbed on and head butted me. the dude was a good 6 inches shorter so it did not even phase me. i asked him if he was actually trying to head butt me and start shit, and told him to leave before i went to prison for putting him in the hospital. the bar tender lady ended up throwing him out and making me stay for a few minutes because she didn’t want me to hurt him. i wasn’t going to, i kept my cool somehow.

moral of the story: fuck napolean complex douche bags

i hate how your boogers smell like booze after long nights of drinking.

i thought of a disturbingly lame pickup line to use in foreign countries.

Are you an american citizen? Want to be?

i want a cocoon. something like the pods they were stuck inside of in the matrix, but more comfy. think of it like a sensory deprivation tank with bad ass padding and a computer, with arm rests and shit so it requires minimal effort to operate said computer. sometimes the real world needs to go away, and a setup to make it do that would kick ass